I really like that one, it's working really well!
Looked at it in a broad way, what wasn't quite working for me was the first cut between shot 1 and 2. They are very similar, especially in terms of how close you are to the characters. So to me the cut was a bit jarring, almost like a camera pop. It's good that you are wide in the first shot. That way you establish the characters and the set, giving the audience an overview of the characters' geography.
The second shot could have more of a close-up, same for shot3, so we can really look at the character's face and his emotions.
Shot4 works the way it is (wider) because of the broader character movements and also for contrast, since we just had two close-up shots, we can pull out again.
The only thing in shot4 that's not working for me is how close the green guy is walking past camera. It's distracting and not needed story telling wise.
On a more anim technical side:
- the hand on the shoulder is not bad, but you could have more contact with the index finger. It looks like it's slightly hovering over the shoulder. The lower part of the wrist is also a bit still, compared to how the body is moving, so adding a bit more keep alive in that wrist would be good.
- it might just be a shader thing, but the forearm of the arm resting on the other guy's shoulder seems to have a weird dent in it. Is there a way to take that out?
- careful with the screen left leg from x33 to 37, how it moves to really extend the leg. Then from x41 to 46 it's bending again. I don't think the full extension is needed. At least that transition isn't fast, so it's not looking like a pop, but you could just leave it out and have the leg more bent as opposed to straight from x33 to 46.
- the screen left hand from x10 to 15 is rotating a bit fast. You could have it more casual (just like his voice delivery) and end the rotation around x23. But don't end it in the finger pose you have on x23, because it stays in that pose until around x48. There could be more complexity and finger pose changes during that section.
- on "grab" and a bit before you have the lipsync a bit off. On x44 his mouth/lips shape more of an "M" pose, but from "uh... grab" I wouldn't close the mouth. I would go from "Uh" to a "U" shape for the "gr" section of grab, leaving the mouth mostly open.
The blink on x34 is a bit mechanical, with the closing over two frames. Close the eyes a tiny bit on x33, then keep what you have on x34 and a tiny bit less closed on x35, then closed the way x35 was. Keeps it less mechanical and more casual, working more in tandem with the mood/tone of the voice.
- the screen right arm has a funky arc as it goes up to land on the shoulder. Make sure the arc is smooth out and a bit more elegant
- same goes with the screen left arm moving to the left at the end of the shot, there's a quick move, then a pause, then another quick move. I think you could simplify it and just have an under arc in one move
- I would reduce the jaw down movement from x12 to x22 and keep it more closed and save the opening for the reaction to the shoulder. Right now it's a bit even how it goes down and you could have one mouth shape in order to show the emotion of the guy and not have the jaw slowly drop like that. It feels too much like a key you forgot
- screen left arm drop on x105 ends a bit abruptly on x117, you could ease more into that
- screen left arm moves a bit too much with/like the body from x152 on. When the body moves to the left starting at x152, the arm could drag a bit, so push it more towards the body for 2 or 3 frames, then have it go with the body and overshoot a bit after the body ends moving. Right now the arm stops the left movement around x160, then starts a move away from us towards the back. I'd keep it just dangling and not introduce that long and straight move to the back
- the screen right elbow has a quick move from x66 to around x69, keep it where it is on x66, x69 looks a bit awkward (and again, if there's a way to get rid of the dent underneath the wrist, that would be great)
- during "go home" the hand on the shoulder feels a bit loose, would be good to see more believable contact
- the wrist flicks a bit from x153 to 156 before the hand/arm goes away from the shoulder
- watch the eye contact of the green guy. For instance x88, he's looking above the guys, try to keep it closer to his eyes
- the eyes are also a bit swimmy starting around x125. Try to keep eye movements limited to darts over 2 frames or even 1 frame and avoid 5 to 7ish frame long drifts
- his eyes should stay in the same position as x66 until around x107 for the blink. It's good to bring a emotional gesture in there, but eyes move right at the start of the shot and are a bit swimmy as well. It could work to just have him stare until his eyes close
- I'd stay in the brow pose on x73 until the eyes close. Right now it feels like you're going into that pose, then a subtle reverse around x79, then a more flat one after that. All in all it feels like there is a bit too much movement during that section
- the hand contact on the suitcase could be stronger, the lid is moving around separately from the hand
- the pose on x118 is a bit unclear (the screen left arm/hand). At first I thought he's going to hold his shoulder in pain or frustration. I like the move at that time, it feels right, but maybe have the hand just in front of the chest
- starting at x156 the body move screen right, it would be good to lift up the hip in the screen right side a little bit for the weight shift.
- all good, except a left arm pop from x221 to 223
- screen right hand/fingers are a bit weird after x188, the fingers just pop down during that section
- the screen right arm has a little quick move as well. It goes down to x192, then goes up slowly again and suddenly jerks up on x195 and stops again x197
- the eyes are a bit weird, he looks over to him, then has a big move up as he starts talking. It feels like he turns around, then looks at the green guy's nose, then his eyes. :) I'd keep it targeted at his eyes and maybe do a little side to side eye dart (maybe just to one side)
- love the gestures and the timing of it, I just wouldn't have him get so close to camera as he walks by
- they eyes are swimmy at the beginning
- his left arm is poppy throughout and goes through the table at the end
- right hand could have stronger finger poses and variations
- the head turn is a bit fast starting at x286
- the jaw move on the "t" of "wait" is too snappy
- the body and face + eyes seem to drift down at the very end. I could see it as a "deflating" emotion, but then I would keep the eyes up and fixated on the guy leaving
Sounds like a lot, but it's not, plus once the work is so good, you gotta dive into the nitty gritty!! Nice work though!!