Love love love how he pushes the guy over with his foot after x1513 and the pause after he closes the door and the sigh. That part is just gold, LOVE IT! Nicely done!
I agree with your notes and I would tweak just a few little sections:
- I would push the clear silhouette and separation of the characters after x1075, when the blue guy stumbles to the left. He kinda leans back and just lifts his left foot up and then puts it back down. You could bring that foot a bit more screen left on the down so by the time we hit x1095, the key is not in front of the red guy's chest but visually in front of the car, separated from the red guy (kinda where he's at x1099).
- the first lift still feels a bit abrupt when it stops. So when he starts around x1277 and stops around x1248, I would ease more into that stop
- watch out for the blue guy's right hand after x1300 to 1320. There are still a few intersecting moments between the hand and the red guy
- looking at the 2nd shot, you could have the blue guy's legs a bit more vertical. At x1434 for instance, the don't look like they're just dangling, they're angle down to the right
- you can push the sideways tilt of the feet when they take steps; so on the red guy for instance, from x1052, when the right foot takes a step it just goes up and down and to the right. But two frames before it gets off the ground, the foot can tilt sideways first. Feet also don't have to plant horizontally, they can be tilted as well. It just eliminates default rotations at 0. So comb through the clip and push it a bit more. It also counts for foot rolls. Like on x1485, when the right foot of the red guy is almost off the ground, you see how the leg is leaning to the left, you can continue that line and tilt the foot to the left a bit, so you can feel how the weight shift affects the feet/ankles as well.
- last thing, I would loosen up the blue guy's head from x1296 to 1302. It looks like he's awake again and looking up. If that's the intention, then ok, but I thought at that point he's passed out. So around x1299 I would tilt the head to his left down and keep it dangling and not so straight up
Really enjoy seeing how far those shots have come along! Great job!